Not Attracted to Your Husband?

I did some research on this topic, because I will be honest with you, it happens to the best of us.

“I love my husband but I don’t feel attracted to him…” this apparently is a plight shared by many women, young and old, across the globe.

I am in a marriage that came back from the grave.  We married in our mid-late 30s, immediately added 3 kids to the mix, and things just spiraled downhill for the next 15 years as we struggled to cohabitate “for the sake of the kids.”  One of us had an exciting and experimental sexual past; the other perhaps didn’t.  As Christians we wanted to forgive the sins of the past, and move forward together in our marriage and future together. We believed that Marriage was a covenant for life.  It just wasn’t always simple.

Then a miracle happened and I don’t know how to explain it other than I worked on ME and MY attitude (it’s all in the “Our Story” tab). I lost weight and felt better (aka, sexier, desirable, healthier); gave an honest ultimatum (let’s not stay together and continue to make each other miserable; if we can’t change for each other, let’s move on…); got honest with him about what I liked sexually, deciding not to act like an inexperienced virgin who just spread her legs in the dark for 60 seconds and pretended it was OK.

For the past 4-5 years we have worked hard on improving our marriage, our respect, our intimacy, our commitment, our love.  We’re still pretty new at this.

And, quite frankly, very little of it comes “naturally.”  It requires superhuman effort and sometimes we are quite lazy.  So easy to default to lazy.  Just like leading the proverbial horse to water, you just can’t lead every man to a hot sex life. Trust me, I’ve tried.  And at times I just accept that this problem “is about me, and not him.” I must reflect on the many great things about him.

Closing in on the end of my 50s, with 25 years of marriage under our belt, it gets no less Image result for sexual disinterestconfusing and perplexing.  There are things (books, movies, memories) that can get me hot and bothered and aroused; yet sex with hubby is rarely more than just a loving, connecting, physical bond, with little sexual pleasure for me.  As we age, our bodies start doing strange things, and emit strange odors.  That dreaded sense of loss of attraction looms menacingly.  Hubby is a man who values health and hygiene (in case anyone suggests diet is a culprit), and keeps himself in good physical shape.  He is also a man who can go weeks without sex and seem not fazed.  I find that recently my husband’s body odor turns me off (it’s so hard to describe—even though he’s washed, and he eats healthily, he puts off “eau de old man.”)  His breath isn’t the nicest, even though he’s fastidious about dental care, with just-brushed his teeth.  I realize that for 25 years, he apparently has thought kissing involved wet licking and lots of heavy tongue thrusting—not a turn-on for me.  His ejaculate burns me at times.  I’ve never known him to own fingernail clippers or a file (I think he’s a secret nail bitter) and ragged, scratchy fingernails do not mix well with tender lady parts; not to mention I’m easily prone to UTIs, and any hint of bacteria can lead to weeks of terrible pain.  Consequently intimate touch scares me a little.  And yes, I’ve tried to be honest about all of this with him in the nicest way I can, to the point of suggesting a manicure, and introducing pure essential oils.

Now, I’m sure he has his own list of turn-offs about me; he’s just too much of a gentleman to mention them. I struggle with weight.  I have frequent “flare ups” of conditions that Image result for sexual disinterestmake sex difficult.  It’s quite embarrassing to admit but extra push-down pressure in the area can also push out other unpleasantness.  Often that gassy fear just stifles any desire to just “let go” with an orgasm (which requires the use of a vibe).  Still, I exercise regularly (yoga is my thing… and there is no more sexy exercise IMHO…), try to be very attentive to his sexual pleasure, try to keep weight down (a struggle recently), dress nicely, fix my hair and make up– oh, and try to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.

There are some who might say, “hey, by the time you hit 60 and beyond, sex isn’t so important anymore, it’s the history you share together and the companionship.”  Perhaps this is true… but there is this part of me that still very much likes erotic and sensual experiences, and these seem few and far between these days.  I love him, and I’d love to find the key to our “mojo.”

So I did some Googling.  Because frankly I was amazed and perplexed at how my increasingly frigid body could become highly aroused by watching Fifty Shades of Grey, in ways that sex with hubby rarely does.  Some might say, “stop watching that filth.”  It’s hard for me to bridge this gap in my sexuality—the gal that still desires (and is aroused for)  hot, erotic sex; and the mature lady who loves her hubby but can’t get off with him.

Here are some of my take-aways from the research (I’m not giving attribution as it’s too much work… but I don’t claim authorship except for a few added notes of my own):

  1. There are few fates more hollow and numbing than a lifetime of chaste cohabitation with someone you probably wouldn’t choose as roommate, let along spouse, if you had it to do over again.  (Yeesh, it’s tough when you hit the roommate times… been there, done that!   Chaste cohabitation though is sad to contemplate)
  2. When a woman decides she doesn’t want the husband she still loves even to kiss her  (I’ve mentioned the breath thing… no clue how to remedy since he otherwise does all the right things…)
  3. Can sexual passion ‘last a lifetime’?  Very rarely. It’s usually replaced by a deeper love and warm companionship, shared habits and humour which are the bread and butter of a good life. Physicality may be expressed more often in cuddles than the rampaging sex of youth — but touch remains important.  (Yes, touch is important.  Hubby knows exactly the type of (rougher) touch I crave… but it’s rarely served up in his repertoire.  Reminding starts to feel like nagging… or worse, pathetic begging)
  4. Couples find different ways of dealing with getting older and changing needs.  (Still looking for this elusive secret.  I know I love him to the end… and it’s more than a feeling).
  5. If there is anything worse than the assumption that we all have a divine right to happiness, it is surely the belief that we all need to feel sexually fulfilled all the time.  This is the message of a heavily sexualized society.  (Yup.  How do I change that?)
  6. Sometimes I think of sex as a savage dog snapping at our heels that would be better off put down. Enjoyable it may be, but it causes so much unhappiness. (That’s a pretty extreme paradox… I suppose that given the choice to kill sex or have it be unhappy… I’d still choose sex).
  7. Ask for God to reveal all these things to you—what’s so great and attractive about Image result for as long as we both shall liveyour husband, how to take care of your bodies better, what will make your spine tingle, how to see your husband the way only a sexy, loving wife can. (this falls under the category of “pray for your marriage and even sex.”  I’ve not felt much responsiveness from prayer for this, but I will pray without ceasing).
  8. Let me ask, would you still work at a job that hasn’t paid you in three years? Well that’s the last time your wife had an orgasm during sex. (I think he tries, or wants to try.  He doesn’t view sex as his “right” and he wants me to enjoy it.  The fact is, he can’t make me orgasm, and that is hard on both of us).
  9. In the beginning… you enjoyed being in each other’s company and you naturally responded to one another sexually. In those early years, there wasn’t much else to bolster your affection . . . no shared history, no bank of fun memories to reminisce about, and no legacy of weathering the storms of life together. God, in his grace, wired our brains to be drawn to young love with powerful neurochemicals that caused you to find great joy in your relationship. However, those chemicals representing physical attraction and sexual excitement were never intended to last indefinitely. (sadly, I don’t know that we really ever had the “natural sexual pull,” which always was a bitter pill to swallow.  We’ve had to work at this, always. A complication was that I was a naughty girl who liked bad men; he was a nice guy who liked good girls.  It’s insane how we ended up together).
  10. Believe it or not, there is a study that proves those long looks can actually increase attraction. See how long the two of you can gaze into each other’s eyes without laughing or talking. This can be awkward and the time can feel long but I dare you to find out if it rekindles the fire of attraction. (He’s full of humor.  Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes juvenile or prejudiced, sometimes demeaning.  Because of the mixed humor, I have struggled to express appreciation for his humor, a trait I know he is proud of.  I feel like this exercise would be doomed to failure; a similar exercise is holding a hug for 20 seconds or longer, twice a day.  It’s insane, but this is a challenge… He doesn’t naturally gravitate to this; I have learned to shut off the expectation for it.)
  11. Someone making you laugh, being clever, sharing hobbies and interests, and being kind and compassionate are all things that might make you feel attracted to someone.  (Quite frankly, it is his kindness, compassion, patience, intelligence, and trustworthiness that keep me with him and loving him.  He possesses numerous Image result for as long as we both shall livequality traits that are rarely all found in one individual; and traits that outlive the purely physical ones.  He will take care of me (and has).  He is a “GOOD MAN” and that is always better than a “SEXY MAN” if you have to choose. Still, I am selfish.  I’d like both, please…)

 

One thing that I know in spite of the occasional dissatisfaction: I will be here until death do us part, good, bad, ugly and not-sexy.  The good far outweighs the bad and I just need to keep focusing on that good, with God’s help, every day.  Just keep loving, even when you don’t feel it.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in On Marriage and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Not Attracted to Your Husband?

  1. pamelaparizo says:

    Although your blog is a little too graphic for me, I have a couple of suggestions you might find helpful. I am not currently married, praying, and over 60, so don’t think you’re alone. I have a blog on biblical marriage and I do read on intimacy. Here are a couple: No More Headaches by Juli Slattery and The Power of Sexual Surrender by Marie Robinson. I have not read the latter because I don’t want to start having sexual thoughts until I actually am married, but I understand it does help in some areas of sexual dysfunction, so you may find it helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. “A little too graphic…” I understand I’m not the blogger for everyone, and that’s OK. I don’t like platitudes, I’m more of a reality person. I spend my days being “socially acceptable,” but God gave me a life story with lessons that I will share. I’m imperfect, have sinned, and have fallen short of the glory of God, but am redeemed. What I AM is honest, often about difficult issues. Sometimes THE church (and “religion”) has caused people to shut down on normal human issues, especially sexuality, because it’s “too graphic.” I think each of us feels called by God to serve and to share our journeys.

      As an unmarried person, I agree it is prudent for you not to read anything (even blogs) that discuss sexuality so I can appreciate your thoughts. But just a point of curiosity– what led you to my blog? What were your search terms?

      (As for books– I could write them. I don’t say “no” to my hubby. No headaches, and I’m all about sexual surrender. Gentleman that he is, he doesn’t request sex if he knows I’m unwell… even when I offer it for his pleasure alone).

      Liked by 1 person

      • pamelaparizo says:

        I will have to look…biblical marriage is one of my categories.

        Like

      • pamelaparizo says:

        Btw, the reason I mentioned the Sexual Surrender book is because my understanding is it deals with the lack of orgasm issue and could possibly be helpful. I am 61, and though a widow, I had sexual dreams during my sleep that afterward that gave me vaginal orgasms. The only reason I share this is to let you know it is possible, even for older ladies, to achieve that with their husbands [I don’t encourage fantasization].

        Like

  2. pamelaparizo says:

    HI. I didn’t mean to offend you. I actually follow your blog, as i do many blogs about submission. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so blunt. I only suggested those books because they talk a lot about the mechanics of things, which may or may not be helpful. I think one can be sexual as long as the mechanics work and as long as the desire is still there. There are certainly adjustments one would have to make as one got older. I’m a widow, and though I was married for nearly 40 years I did learn something from Juli Slattery’s book.

    Like

  3. Brenda says:

    You know I’ve always loved reading your blogs.. Does your husband use a electric toothbrush? If not get him one. I can’t tell you how much it has helped my husband. And his breath at times it ick to put it nicely.. When my husband started using an electric toothbrush I was like Thank You Jesus. I told him nicely how much better his breath was.. Secretly I was doing the happy dance 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks lady! Still searching for the discipline to keep posts shorter… so I appreciate my readers much! Wow, so wild you raised the electric toothbrush issue! I’ve used one for a few years now; I bought him one for Christmas. He decided he didn’t want it and returned it 😦 Sigh. The nice “woodsy” smelling BBW liquid shower gel (Stress-away) is in the shower. I don’t think he’s noticed, he’s a “bar soap” guy. My sweet, no-frills, old-fashioned darling husband. He’s so young at heart, and in mind… very fit for his age; but “old” (man) habits die hard! (he HAS been responsive to un-tucking the casual shirts, and getting rid of the long white socks… now to convince him the number 1 close cut for his remaining side hair is very sexy look!). So much to love about him!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Brenda Woods says:

        I’m telling you. It will help tremendously… It would be such a big improvement.. I don’t see how he wouldn’t notice. The first time I used one I was like WOW what took me so long. lol Now my DH doesn’t always use his and I can tell a big difference… I have to admit I have brought it up to him before.. So much for being smooth. Sometimes he listens sometimes he doesn’t. lol

        Like

  4. Cynthia says:

    I thank you for the honesty and bluntness of your post! I think it is when we truly write what we are thinking and feeling that God will use it to reach someone’s heart. Maybe not everyone’s, but the person who needs to know they are not alone with the struggle. This time it is me. As I was reading, I just kept saying uh huh, yep, nodding my head. As a Christian woman with a more colourful sexual history than my husband living in a sexualized society, where I deeply desire sexual intimacy in my marriage but it just doesn’t work, it is a gift to read your words.
    I also deeply love my husband. He is my best friend. Both of us and our marriage have had a miraculous transformation in the last 2 1/2 years from his porn and sex addiction and my sexual betrayal. However, as unusual as it may seem in the situation, we were in a sexless marriage for 20+ years. Restoring and regaining sexual intimacy has been beyond difficult, as much as we love each other. As you said, it requires superhuman effort. And a lot of prayer. Some of which has helped in the attraction part for me. My husband is overweight, but his softness makes me feel safe and comforted. I believe that has been an answer to prayer. But the rest of the prayers, not so much. Throw in the age and health factors and I am at a point where I am questioning what is hope for more, and what is fantasy. What is giving up and what is acceptance. What is suppressing my needs and desires again, and what is just adjusting to reality. God has given the gift of sexual intimacy in a marriage, but it is not a promise, entitlement or right. But my husband is also a wonderful gift just as he is.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. drmattsgirl says:

    I have to admit I was a disturbed by this post. I didn’t read every bit of it but I did read a lot of it. My heart first goes out to you in that I’ve read a lot of your stuff and I feel as though I’ve gotten a glimpse of your heart. That being said, I know we are also like minded about many things. This one disturbed me only bc I can hear how the lies of the enemy are plaguing your thoughts. We are ALL deceived. All I kept thinking was, “God please help her to capture these thoughts and not spend time dwelling on the bad but rather what’s good”. You know I’ve been married 26 years and hubby and I have gone round and round bc we are so different. We’re not quite to your age yet as we started earlier than you two. Please know I am praying for you sweet sister. As it is, we are all aging and along with age comes challenges. I’ve been through 41 surgeries with hubby by my side, I assume he wasn’t overly attracted to me in the midst of the hard ones, but I know how amazing he is at capturing his thoughts (grateful!). He’s taught me to be more like that, of course with Jesus help. I love your realness, I simply pray that God gives you so much joy in other areas of your life that these things lose their power. And mostly, I pray God will strengthen and grow you two together. Whatever that looks like for you! God bless sister!♥️

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s