It’s Hard Work, This Marriage Thing

My marriage has been a work in progress from day one.  hard-work

It seemed doomed to fail.

After our first year, and then for 20 long years after, our marriage just seemed to get worse. Many would have cut their losses and moved on.  Of course there were good things– our three children; a decent home; good jobs.  But when it came to the two of us, we were bombing it, BIG time. I was miserable, he seemed duty-bound, and I could see little good in us remaining together.

When I began writing about our journey, I may have put most of the blame on my husband… said that HE was bombing things, BIG time. I had a lot of desires and expectations that weren’t being met.  It evidently made for some interesting reading on a former, anonymous blog.  The no-holds barred, deep introspection, and perhaps a bit racy blog.

But time and healing and perspective have helped me to see the “we” in this marriage.

Sometimes readers like to see the whole story— from single slut, to properly married, to miserable wife, to wanton escapism desires, to a repaired marriage.  I get it.  The redemption story sells. Sexy stuff sells.  No one really enjoys the “Pollyanna” stories of a “perfect” life.

In 2017 I hope to get a bit more real.  Sometimes “real” can be pretty private.  My wonderful husband has expressed his discomfort with being “outed” on the more private aspects of our life, so I have a bit of a dancing to do.

Bottom line: marriage is hard.  By year 20, just as we had kids heading off to college, just as I was ready to call it quits, something amazing happened.  We both got on the same page and decided to fix things (aka, ourselves) in our marriage and relationship, and give it one last chance.

We succeeded.

realityHowever, the next 4 years haven’t been a piece of cake.  We still had, and have, lots of work to do, but not nearly as much as before. You know the saying, “all work and no play make for a dull boy…” If a marriage is all work and no play, it ain’t gonna work!  Since we found our way back to love and respect, the non-negotiables no longer plagued us.  But we know we need to be careful in dealing with the ever-present negotiables, not allowing them to become stumbling blocks.

We are human.  We make mistakes and we aren’t perfect.  We don’t have all the answers and we sometimes can be pretty dense about things.  We are still learning.

The difference is, we acknowledge we don’t have all the answers and we don’t know everything.  We may be a bit wiser in our “old age,” but every new challenge or situation can torpedo us unlike any before, and throw us into a major tailspin.  Thing is, we have discovered some things that help us from descending into an irrecoverable flame-out.

Please keep commenting, and sharing your own experiences and wisdom.  If this blog only gives you a place to vent frustrations, fine.  But if it can become a healing balm to your life, your relationships, your marriages, so much the better.

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