Hello Faithful readers.
I must start with an apology. This blog has had precious little attention due to some major life changes. We feel like we’re facing a large tome of new chapters, most good, some bittersweet or sad.
- Selling a 24-year home
- Downsizing, selling off lots of furniture and stuff
- Packing and moving said home (into 3 parts: store, apartment here, apartment there)
- The death of a 90-something father
- The graduation of a son
- The move of a daughter from dorm to apartment
- Move to a new city and a home 1/3 the size of current (by choice!)
- A UTI 😦
To say that things have gone fast is an understatement! The day after our house went on the market we had a contract offer. It seems like a good contract and by the end of May we’ll be signing over our home. Thus I have approximately 20 more sleeps in our home. And 20 more days to pack up, clean up. AHHHHHHHH!!!!
This is a blessing, I must keep reminding myself.
I’m sitting in a very crappy old uncomfortable chair because someone bought my comfy higher-end office chair. Nearly $500 have exchanged hands in the past week from folks who carted off bargains from our home. Good riddance, but now the house echoes.
Still, another blessing.
SJ had his plate very full dealing with his Dad’s final days, and being “the man.” He did his family proud. His father led an incredibly wonderful and full life, was beloved,had survived some major heart issues and other medical issues, and our kids got to have a grandpa. We will miss him so much, but I think we all accept it was his time to return to God.
A blessing to have known and loved such a special man.
Son is graduating, on time. No job yet, no future plans “gelled” yet. But one less college tuition bill.
Still, a blessing.
Inconveniently I began a urinary tract infection last week. These are miserable things. And although I got diagnosis and right on the antibiotics, it was the scary kind that can cause all sorts of really bad side affects. Turns out that the culture showed my bacteria were resistant to six antibiotics, so they had to use the big guns. I’m still not 100%, and it makes me a little… not pleasant.
Sorry, NO blessing in this… It just plain SUCKS.
I try to maintain an upbeat disposition on the outside for those who need my strength; but inside the negativity rots like a cancer and spreads despite my efforts to keep it at bay and in perspective. Thoughts like, maybe SJ and I being apart for a while is a good idea? He’ll never love me enough. I’ll never love him enough. I’ve lost that loving feeling (feelings screw us up big time, always! It’s the devil’s playground). I muse on the ideal of what I think marriage should be. I’m overly focused on the disappointment that my husband did not acknowledge my role as mother to our wonderful children on Mothers Day. I tell myself, he is understandably preoccupied, and this is temporary, don’t read all sorts of dire things into this. The distance between us over the past weeks just widens because of the insanity around us, things we had no control over. We have learned how to do well together in good times; we have yet to learn the very challenging skills of how to stay strong together through adversity and stresses. I wanted to hug my husband, hold him, reassure him, say the right words; but his tendency in crisis mode to go all cold prickly on me, become all business and steely, abrupt, and sometimes rude (and hurtful). This increases the distance I feel between us, triggering the dire thoughts and blames running through my head… You’ve never been his number one… it doesn’t take much to topple you off his priority list… and it’s hard to be forgiving. And it’s easy to turn cold prickly on him.
When life is peaceful and stress-free, we default to each other, and it’s good. It’s easy to be loving and kind and all things Fruit of the Spirit. Yet the moment a crisis hits, I feel tossed aside, and I feel selfish that I want to be my husbands’ one and all, his waking and sleeping thought. And I feel horrible that this does not seem to be a blip on his radar screen. I mourn that we can’t seem to hold on to each other and move forward together when crisis mode hits. This temporary “abandonment” tosses me back to earlier times of feeling abandoned and marginalized, the defensive sense that I have to build protective walls so as not to feel this way. Building the walls means I’m not open and receptive towards him, much less the Spirit of God. And things do start to spiral down.
Missing daily quiet time, time in The Word, is to my detriment. I need that now more than ever. Oh, I will read an occasional scripture that pops up in my FB feed; I keep talking to God (hmmm, maybe yelling in traffic, “What the hell are you doing, you idiot?” doesn’t count…); but staying soaked in the word at a time I really need it is stupidly not happening. More foothold for the Devil to do his worst.
So maybe, just maybe, I will try to tear down this wall I’ve been building up, ask my husband to pray for us, and find the correct and helpful words to tell him how I’m feeling without blaming, or meanness, or harsh words, or sarcasm (just last night my impatient sarcasm visibly caused him to flinch, and it was a horrible specter of our past life).
I am hoping by July I’ll be back to blogging in earnest, sharing stories and “wisdom” garnered from a few decades of life, marriage, and parenting. But for now, forgive me this momentary moment of weakness and introspection!
But, above all, a word to the wise (and to me): hang in there. Dredge up your love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control even when you don’t feel like it. Think on the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy things. Put on that armor of God and battle the enemy.