In a Funk

Yeesh. 500 words or less is REALLY hard for me.  A discipline I must really put my mind to.

Life continues to go careening forward full tilt as we proceed with our move.  House on the market tomorrow.  All the prep and cleaning that needed to go into it semi-accomplished (and so much crap now shifted into the garage, another job to sort through that). Our house now echoes, devoid of many personal trappings, curtains and area rugs, and I have to constantly discipline myself NOT to leave anything out cluttering a surface.  A quick trip slipped in there to find a the new place (success, lease starts in about a month!).  A college graduate in a few weeks.  Now a sudden hospitalization for an elderly parent requiring SJ’s absence from home.  We’ve been going non-stop.

Busy-ness is truly the enemy of marriages and couple connection and intimacy.  When you fall into bed snoring before your head hits the pillow (him) or can’t stop your brain from running a million miles an hour to fall/stay asleep (me), it’s tough to dredge up intimacy, passion and excitement.  And I really, really feel in deficit right now–through no one’s fault.

(Excuse me while I pour my third glass of wine…)

SJ has been trying so hard to take the pressure off me, encouraging me to take small tasks at a time with breaks between.  He’s ordered in and we’ve eaten out more.  Although I’m a professed procrastinator and one to say I work best under pressure, the stress does not bode well for me–less so as I age.  I get irritable and uptight and critical.  I start to wrestle back control.  I find myself infuriated when my husband doesn’t react as I deem “appropriate.”  And my husband has demurred from taking me in hand and helping me to get centered.  I’m running amok. We are seriously out of balance, and it’s a disquieting feeling.

Take the hanging chandelier in our entry way, which is 10 feet up.  Yea, that sucker does not get cleaned often.  I KNEW a neighbor HAD to have an extra-tall step ladder for us to truly clean and polish it.  SJ seemed to be in a passive-aggressive funk on my suggestions to go borrow the ladder… I just had gotten it into my head this is “a guy thing,” going to the other guys to borrow tools/equipment. But he wasn’t having anything to do with it.  Finally after I had run out of patience for polite suggestions as to how he should go borrow a ladder, I just quietly did it myself, and eventually through the wonderful network of women and their cell phones and texts, tracked down the ladder we needed from a neighbor we don’t know well, but who was happy to loan it.  There.  Done. But as I stood on the top rung cleaning the fixture with window spray and towels in hand, I remained infuriated with SJ’s seeming push-back on this.  Even though it drummed up a very pleasant neighborly exchange in the driveway of “Oh, who did your back fence/siding/painting… I’ll get you his name, he was very reasonable…”

Later, in a candid moment that had been building up over little frustrations like this, SJ did admit that “the borrowing tools from other guys” is not in his comfort zone.  I don’t quite understand it, but there it is. Part of me gets frustrated and mad when he doesn’t “think logically like me.”  But that is not a very helpful part of me, it’s not submissive nor supportive.  And it’s what distances my heart from SJ. 

Intimacy has waned to stolen moments in the early morns (not my best time of day) and I’m grateful it’s happening at all.  But it’s very vanilla, soft, and quick, mostly for his pleasure.  When it’s over, it’s clear we have a schedule ahead of us, and little time for lingering over… uhm… my pleasure.  There is very little of the edge and dominance that I enjoy, that arouses me.

And I just feel disconnected from him.  I don’t like this feeling.  I keep telling myself that once we are past all of the stressers in our lives right now, things will be better.  But then that little voice oh-not-so-helpfully goes off in my head, “HA!  Forget that!  Potential buyers are going to be traipsing through your house day and night now, and there’s no time to linger in the bed that must be perpetually made up nice and neat.”

There’s no big lesson here, just the sad realization that into every marriage comes those low moments where you suddenly stop focusing on each other… when the intimacy, the playfulness, and the fun are in deficit due the tyranny of the demands on your time.

And despite commitments and covenants and patience and long-suffering, this can’t be allowed to go on too long.

These are the times when it’s hard to see how to get back to that priority of you and me.

 

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6 Responses to In a Funk

  1. sandra3364 says:

    We are in the exact same place at the moment (for different reasons) so I feel for you. It’s an awful place to be wrestling with your submission and respect for your husband. Yet you also can’t help being annoyed/angry/upset about certain things, were only human after all! Sometimes in life our paths don’t run smoothly and the longer it goes on the harder it seems to be to reconnect and you start to wonder what really started it all in the first place lol. Please God it will – I know it will because we both care enough for this wonderful marriage to work, just like you. If we didn’t have the ups and downs we wouldn’t appreciate the loveliness and the rewards of TTWD, huge hugs to you 😘

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    • These are the reminders to never stop working at it. Sometimes it comes easy, other times it’s really hard work. And, I will admit it’s a bit scary whenever I feel us slipping back to what it used to be. It doesn’t help that we’ve now been apart 2 nights and I need to/want to just be supportive of what is going on for his parents. Thanks for the hugs, and prayers. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • sandra3364 says:

        Ah your obviously in a very low place at the moment not surprising with all what’s going on around you! Take care lady you will get through this I’m watching this space …. 😜 More hugs coming your way God Bless

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  2. C for now says:

    Pushed for time as always, this will be brief but hopefully not sound trite.

    Took a quick break and wanted to check in on you. What do I see but this! When and why did you take the Devil into your echoing house as a renter? Why is he driving the situation? It is your house, your family and your marriage. If he can get you busy, distracted and overwhelmed, he can drive the situation.

    Work together. Take back control of the situation. Based on past commentary I would suggest that you pick a morning and clear the schedule for a morning date. Up, breakfast out together. Reconnect and realign. Maybe back home for interesting echoes. However the connection is made, make it.

    Your union comes before the old house, the new house, the move, the graduation, the parent and the chandler. It is the priority, protect it from your unwanted guest.

    (Sorry to hear about the parent. Hope that gets better.)

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    • Yes, yes, and yes. You are right about it all. It didn’t help that I was in that echo-ey cavernous house all alone last night, feeling very sad about the poor prognosis of someone I love very dearly, and feeling helpless to be there for SJ. Another night alone ahead, and to boot within 30 minutes of our house being listed today there was a showing… so now I’m exiled to the neighborhood Starbucks, and very much needing a hug. Sigh. This too will pass. Thanks for checking in on me and for the reminders. We’ll get back to better soon.

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